Why I lie......My Struggle with Food Part 2
Food is to blame for everything
Food and my body weight
Yup! I’ve finally figured it out.
If I am late to something, it’s because I’m fat.
If I have a fight with my family, it’s definitely because of the amount of food I ate yesterday. Curse that bag of carrot sticks.
Didn’t get the job I wanted? Well, guess what? It was probably the FAT!!!
I can categorically list everything that’s happened in my life I wasn’t happy about and at the time I 100% blamed it on either my size or every meal I ate beforehand.
The string of failed relationships I’ve endured, I blamed everything that happened during and after on how “big” I was.
My mood and ill behaviour was just because I wasn’t at my goal weight. Don’t worry guys, just 5 more kilos and less sassy Elyse will be right with you.
I’ve avoided intimacy because I was so embarrassed about my body.
If I wasn’t so “fat”, he would have been nicer.
If I wasn’t so “huge’, he wouldn’t have cheated.
Maybe if I was skinnier, I could get court side tickets to a basketball game.
If I wasn’t so “fat”, the girls at school would have been kinder.
If I wasn’t so “fat”, I’d be a famous dancer/actor/singer by now.
If I wasn’t so “fat”, I’d be a better Mum.
I could go on forever…….
Every single time, for anything that I deemed stressful, a failure, the opposite of my expectations or goals, food and my perceived “thickness” was the reason for the disappointment.
Now, I know how crazy this sounds, believe me I do. I'm writing this now and laughing at the insanity of it all. How irrational my reality is to the rest of the world.
But there have been times where my obsession with my body, food and calculating my calorie intake has genuinely stopped me from accomplishing something.
I have cancelled plans last minute because I was too “fat” that day. Of course, I’d lie and come up with a different excuse.
I’ve avoided events knowing there’d be nibbles there, and I didn’t want to risk a binge session. Hello crab cakes my old foe….
I won’t record videos below my shoulders for fear of my size on a screen.
Sometimes, the thoughts are so loud I am unable to even read a page from my favourite book. I just sit there and stare at the page, mentally beating myself up for every single piece of chocolate I’ve ever eaten, thinking that if I hadn’t eaten any at all, like ever in my life, I’d be Christina-Aguilera-in-Candy-man Skinny by now. Then I’ll grab a snack cos fuck it.
There are times where I've been sitting on the lounge with my boyfriend, supposedly engrossed in a show and he's asked me where my head was, seeing the far off look in my face, and I have had to come up with something quickly because if he knew I was just thinking about all the areas on my body that needed fixing and what foods I was allowed to eat the next day, he'd probably up and leave. (side note, my boyfriend is amazing and has been the biggest support. He's my therapist, my trainer, my confidant, my best friend and soul mate. Hats off to that man for putting up with me and loving me for all I am)
This is a thought process I don’t know how to live without.
And I couldn’t imagine the silence inside if it were gone.
How do you just get ready and leave for an appointment without at least 5 mins of self-hatred staring in the mirror picking out every flaw.
What…you just like…go to events and eat what they serve without calculating every ingredient and having a nervous breakdown?? Crazy!!!!
(this is not a healthy habit.......I by no means encourage this behaviour at all!!)
We had lunch with friends over the weekend (yes........ only a total of four people staying 1.5 metres apart, calm down) and the 24 hours prior were utter torture in my mind.
I’ve piled on a few kilos since the gym closures and I’ve been cutting down calories, cleaning up my nutrition and increasing my workouts, and a day eating food I hadn’t prepared myself in front of people and potentially missing a workout terrified me.
So, obviously the hours before were spent planning my food intake and picking the biggest, not-too-big over-sized, but not-too-over-sized, basketball tee I owned to wear.
Even now, I often think that maybe if I lost a few more kilos our Business would sky-rocket.
Maybe, just maybe, If I looked thinner, I’d land a sponsorship with my favourite workout wear brand.
Maybe, if I was a bit “smaller” old friends would reach out.
Perhaps, if I dropped these last few kg’s, I’d all of a sudden be the number one nutritionist for the NBA (I’d take NBL also……sup Sydney Kings)
It definitely has nothing to do with experience, skill and exposure. (that’s sarcasm for those playing at home)
Food (and my weight) has literally controlled my life for as long as I can remember. Even now, there a days where something will go unplanned, and for a fleeting moment, I’ll think if I wasn’t so big maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
So, I became and health and nutrition coach. Makes sense, right?
What better way to educate myself on the science and realities of food and potentially help others who have experienced life the way I do? I can obsess about food all day, everyday. Woohoo!!
I’ve mentioned before that facts, evidence and knowledge, to me, is impossible to ignore. So, making sure I am constantly educated and expanding on that not only means I'm the best for my clients and keeps me at the top of the game in my industry but it also helps me stay “healthy” physically….
Ahhh but the brain has a mind of its own ………
And although I am so stubborn in my convictions on nutrition and the power of food, and am genuinely very good (even great) at what I do…..
This is why I lie