Why I lie: My Struggle with Food Part 1
I have a confession to make.
I hate food.
No really. I fucking hate it.
I’ve hated it since I was about 3 years old.
And when we created this business, in the hopes of helping anyone and everyone who struggled with health and fitness, I never intended on using this blog post as a biography, as therapy.
But my lies have made it hard for me to keep up with the business, with filming, with writing.
And maybe potentially with helping the people I set out to help the most.
And I feel like you all deserve to know why.
Know the truth.
Maybe some of you can relate.
Maybe some of you have felt the encompassing pressure of your own thoughts and addiction to food.
And maybe some of you don’t care so feel free to head on over to our shop and buy one of the most amazing recipe books you’ll ever own.
My mother remembers the first time I showed signs of an eating disorder.
I was 3, a ballerina and wouldn’t sit on the floor because my thighs looked too big compared to other ballerinas.
3 years old
I know it sounds insane. A health and nutrition coach who hates food??
You can’t be serious?
Well I am. It’s true. And I lie about it all the time.
I shout to the world how much I love food, and healthy eating.
I value myself on my knowledge of food and encouraging people to look at food as a preventative, helping them change their perspective from negative to positive.
I’m a fabulous cook, as my family can attest to and being a Coeliac with PCOS, I've had to experiment and lucky for me (and my daughter and BF) I’ve created some delicious recipes I am actually able to eat.
And I eat them.
And I hate it.
And it’s that hatred that got me into this profession to begin with.
But I feel I need to explain this before I lose clients, and someone calls lifeline,
It’s not something I share with many people.
In fact, very few people know my daily struggles with food.
But to me, it’s the norm. I actually don't know who I'd be without my little internal monologue constantly berating me about every little thing I put in my mouth.
I either stare at food with tears trying to make a break for my tear ducts or I’m planning my next fix, calculating every calorie and creating algorithms on how to go about eating what I want without having to run a marathon or deal with 4 days of self-hatred for eating a banana that made me go over my calorie intake goal. (Yes, it gets this mad sometimes )
Some nights I lay awake counting the hours until I can eat again.
Some mornings, at 3am, I’ll sneak into the kitchen to sneak a coconut yoghurt and honey snack or a slice of vegan caramel slice because I don’t want people seeing me eat it during the day.
Other days I am unable to process any other thought because all I can think about is the guilt I feel for the meals I ate the day before.
I sometimes avoid physical contact with my daughter because I’m scared she’ll feel that bowl of oats with too much banana I ate, on my hips.
I’ll sleep on the very edge of the bed so my boyfriend can’t hug the dinner that now resides on my stomach.
I’ll run past any mirror in the hopes I don’t catch a glimpse of my reflection and have to fight with every other voice in my head over how much I’m allowed to eat that day because I’m clearly overweight and need to be punished.
And this Covid-19 Isolation BS has not helped at all. In fact, it's made everything a whole lot worse.
I am used to daily distractions, focusing my attention on other peoples problems.
And I know this is all so wrong, and I know it’s not normal.
I know, deep down, I’m a healthy, fit 31-year-old mother of 1.
I know that, to some, my body shape is their goal. And It confuses me because all I see, and feel is disgusting.
My constant battle.
Food being a war I hate to love to fight.
Food being my first thought every morning I wake up.
Food, often so all-consuming that I can’t focus on anything else, and my work suffers. I isolate, avoid social contact, ignore phone calls and messages because all I want to do is talk about food and my excess fat on my calves this week and I know all that will do is create a downward spiral and resentment.
Its why my friend group is so small.
It’s why, since we started our business, no more videos have been uploaded.
It’s why I can’t film tutorials for my clients. (Please forgive me)
Knowing every scientific calculation on food, how to lose weight, how to boost health and immunity, how to gain muscle, how to shred for comp, how a whole food diet creates over-all health has helped, somewhat.
It has helped me not fall back into ill health because I’m someone who can’t ignore facts.
But Knowing all I know, doesn’t eradicate the feelings, the fear and the pain that food causes me.
It doesn’t eliminate the self-destructive thoughts and obsessive behaviour
Its hard to write every thought and emotion into something legible, because often I don’t even understand it.
But all this, every moment of life since I can remember, of self loathing, obsession over food, constantly counting calories, avoidance, exercise, sneaky little early morning snacks, led me to where I am right now.
Led me to meeting the most amazing, inspiring people you could ever meet.
I have clients I now couldn’t imagine my life without.
And it led me into a career, no passion, I wouldn’t give up for the world.
If you’ve ever had any thoughts or feelings like the ones I’ve mentioned above, you’re not alone.
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you.
And you’re not alone.
So, I implore you to take this journey with me
Whilst I dive into some dark places, some taboo subjects, sharing a part of me I never thought I would share so publicly.
Maybe you can relate.
Perhaps, we can heal together.
Or maybe, this is our penance.
Because this is why I lie..........................